I love David Foster Wallace, but the guy used way too many possessives and not enough contractions. If an expectant mother’s contractions were that far apart, you wouldn’t bother driving her to the hospital.
It would be horrible if a vampire tried to convert you in Iceland in June. One hour or less of darkness? Seriously, you couldn’t work in those conditions.
Sadly, I’ll never be arrested on suspicion of being the Slender Man.